Think Twice

I’m exhausted.  All the time.  I secretly hope for rainy days at least a few days a week so it is not only culturally appropriate but expected that I stay in bed all day watching movies in English.  At first I thought I was sick with parasites or something of that sort but after I proved to be completely healthy and talked with other volunteers I realized why I’m so tired.  Every move, thought, word, and action I have to think twice about.  Or three times for good measure.

It’s a tricky situation being a Peace Corps volunteer.  You are expected to integrate into the culture and become a part of the community.  Act, speak, and think like a 24 year old Paraguayan would.  Go to the soccer games with my two kids in hand.  Spend 4 hours a day cooking the food for me and my family and another 2 hours cleaning the house.  I would sit on my porch drinking with my friends as the sun sets and gossip with my neighbors about anyone and everyone because I just can’t help it in such a small community.

But as a volunteer I’m also supposed to be a working professional and represent America at all times.  This is where the tricky part comes in.  If I were just integrating I would yell at my kids and beat them when they didn’t listen, but as a professional with my morals clearly that just isn’t the case.  Not only do I not have kids, nor want my own at this point in my life, but I have to stand strong behind that decision when integrating says just to accept that girls just have kids at 18 here because that’s the way it goes.  Tricky. 

If I were just integrating I would go to the soccer game drunk with my girlfriends without a care in the world.  But the professional in me also has to keep in my mind that my future students will be there watching everything I do and that the whole community might think that all I am here for is to party.  But at the same time the people offering me the drink think I’m super weird, possibly too good for them, and mildly offended that I didn’t take them up on the offer.  Tricky. 

If I were just integrating I too would spend the majority of my day cooking and cleaning but the working professional in me also needs to get out of the house to help the community….. my job.  Tricky.

  

If I were just integrating I would take on gossip like it was my job because well, it pretty much is. But how can I build relationships in the community without getting involved in gossip and also protect future relationships by not gossiping.  Again, tricky.

And this is the life.  Constantly weighing the options between integration, working professional, oh and don’t forget just being me.  Nevermind the think twice part about the dangers of walking alone, whether to accept the 3^rd massive piece of fried bread or turn it down, whether to try and explain an insulin pump or agree that yes I am indeed recording every conversation we have with it for US investigation, whether I share my computer and phone to watch movies and teach kids how to work modern electronics or not risk them getting stolen, whether to bite your tongue when people are making fun of you or lash out like a crazy person to make a point, whether to leave the community and have an “American” day to keep your sanity or stay in your community and hope they think you’re dedicated and hardworking, whether to accept that they have no concept of being a volunteer and being alone or trying to teach them what it’s like, or whether to try your hardest to integrate and be Paraguayan or just to be you.  Tricky.  That it is. 

Every action has a potential consequence, a potential benefit, and usually both.  So think twice about how you want it to work out, how you want yourself to feel, how you want your community to feel, how you want to be perceived, and how this will affect the future.  Then once you’ve decided what’s important, think again.  For good measure. 

And then sleep.  Because you deserve it.