I miss you!

Life has been pretty tranquilopa in Paraguay these past few weeks.  It was winter break at the school so nothing going on there and I'm awaiting our project management training in the beginning of august to try and start any big projects in my community. It has been pretty chilly, nothing terrible, but am definitely making the most of the warm clothes I brought. So needless to say, I've been left with a lot of time to seek out guapo project contacts and get to know people in my community.  And also a lot of time to reflect. To think. To picture my life. To miss home.  To miss you.  

I was hesitant to write this post because I don't want you to think I'm unhappy. I'm actually at a really good dreaming stage of my service where I am excited about projects to come and know enough people in my community where I feel really comfortable.  But at the same time I miss home a lot.  A lot.  And I just wanted you all to know that.  

Is it harder to be the one to leave? Or the one to stay? I don't know.  Obviously, I'm gonna go on the side of leave but really I just have more experience with this.  And I've been thinking about how long two years is.  It's a good chunk of time and a lot can and will change in that time.  

And I sometimes find myself jealous or wanting to be in the states when I hear about all the fun things that are happening but who am I to complain? I chose to leave.  And I have to accept that just because I left doesn't mean the beautiful world I left behind stops.  It can't.  And I also have to accept that people may or may not be just fine without me.  And that this was my choice to do this.  To leave the known for the unknown.  

Paraguayans always ask me if I'm happy here.  And I answer yes no matter what, mostly because negative conjugations of verbs in guarani is complicated. But generally I'm telling the truth.  And then they always ask me if I was happy in the states.  And I immediately say yes.  The they ask why I left if I was so happy.  And it gets me thinking. 

I don't regret coming here in the least.  I love new experiences and this has been the most challenging and self discovery one I've done so far.  But I want you to know how much I love hearing about your lives and staying in touch through snail mail, email, facebook, texting, whatever it may be.  And I value so much the relationships I have that I know upon my return will be stronger than ever.  

And maybe I traded happy hours for cooking lessons, beach runs for sweeping my dirt lawn, burritos for fried bread, cars for buses, target for my little town store.  But the most comforting thing and the thing I miss most above all....even frozen yogurt, is you guys.  

I miss you tons and thanks for your support!!! Lots of love!!!

Some people are perfect

Dear Guarambare host family,

I'm obsessed with you....literally.  Thank you soooooooo much for visiting me in my community and for always being there for me.  

Thank you for bringing me delicious steak and for cooking it on the not so classy dirt.  Thanks for not judging me when I don't know how to cook rice and mandioca.  Aka I can't boil water.  Thanks for the oh so sassy look of disbelief when my neighbor told you i speak well in guarani.  You were there in the beginning when i couldn't say hello without crying.  Thanks for bringing your own pots and silverware because you know I don't plan well for these things.  Thanks for not judging me when I told you I eat all free food given to me and for giving me the leftover "free food".  Thanks for giving me a bag full of laundry soap and agreeing that it makes more sense to walk ten minutes down the road to a washing machine than to wash it by hand.  Thanks for keeping me humble by calling me unguapa cuz I don't know every tree name in my yard.  Thanks for being sassy and hilarious, kind and generous, loving and everything I need.  You're perfect...and no, I'll never tell you that to your face.  Gotta keep you humble too.  Thank god for secretive languages.  

Thanks for everything.  Don't know how I got so darn lucky to have you in my life.  

Lots of love, 

Arianna

Go ahead and save the world, will ya?

Think about all aspects of your life right now.  What comes to mind? Your job? Family? Friends? America? The English language? Food? Car? House? Technology? Hobbies? Frozen yogurt and burritos (if you’re sane)?

Now take that all away…. What are you left with? 

Yourself.  The good parts of yourself.  And the bad.  The highs.  And the lows.  (I love diabetes puns). 

And myself was all I came to Paraguay with.  And a few pairs of clothes and shoes.  And I didn’t know this at the time.  The thought hadn’t crossed my mind until recently how much I left behind. 

I’m starting from nothing.  I am creating my own work.  I am observing a community with so many different wants and needs and hoping to find a match with what I want and know how to do.  I have no guidance.  I’m finding my new coworkers.  I make my own schedule.  I set my own goals.  I do my own reviews.  I’m 100% in charge of myself. 

I decide whether to get up in the morning.  I decide whether to study Guarani and Spanish or watch a movie.  I decide whether stay in my campo site or visit the city.  I decide everything about my life.  Which in some ways is empowering.  Self-motivation is an interesting thing.  Me, myself, and I are my motivation. 

Would you go to work if you were to get paid the same amount whether you went or not?  Would you bother to talk to someone if you only understood a quarter of the conversation?  Would you walk into a room full of strangers with the only goal of making a friend?  Would you put yourself out there?  Would you challenge yourself? Would you take steps knowing you wouldn’t see progress for months or even years?  Would you do anything at all?  If nobody made you or wanted you to.  What if nobody even knew except yourself?

The Peace Corps is crazy.  You come into a community with no family, no friends, no job, no house, barely ability to communicate, completely different food, and rickety old buses that run once a day if it’s not raining.  And you have to make something out of it.  You have to make big things happen.  Like save the world status big things.  And it’s scary.  And intimidating.  Yet exciting.  And inspiring. 

Every day I get out of bed is an accomplishment.  Because I didn’t have to.  And nobody would know if I didn’t.  And the impact I make is miniscule most days.  But over my 2 year service with a little luck the miniscule will turn into something.  Something that I will remember.  Something my community will remember.  A little piece of Paraguay will be changed.  And a little piece of me too.  We hope.   

Añe’e mishimi guaranime

Guarani, the indigenous language of Paraguay, is hard.  Very hard.  It involves sounds that do not exist in English, nor Spanish for that matter and it’s an oral language so very few people know how to write or read it.  Paraguay is bilingual with most people in the cities preferring to speak Spanish and in the campo Guarani.  The majority of people in my community only speak Guarani and understand some Spanish but are not comfortable speaking it.  Therefore, it is basically essential that I learn at least some Guarani.  I’m definitely still more comfortable in Spanish because it is so similar to English and I “studied” it in college (Thanks Monica, for writing all my papers).  But I’m trying to speak more Guarani with people because they just love it.  They think it’s very cool that an American is speaking their indigenous language.  And it is pretty cool!  Learning a third language in a second language although is very difficult.  And it’s led to some difficult situations where I think I’m saying one thing and get an answer that doesn’t make any sense.  Lost in translation….

Señora: My cow is pregnant and will have her baby in two months.

Me: Oh how cool! What do you have to do when she is giving birth?

Señora: Cheese.

Señora: Have you talked with your mom in the states recently?

Me: Not recently, it’s summer there so she is on vacation.

Señora: Oh that’s too bad.  How about your mom? Have you talked with her?

Me: Ummmmmm, no.

Me: What a pretty photo! How long ago did you take that?

Señora: 5 mil Guaranies (their money)

Señora: Can I put my cheese in your fridge? Mine broke.

Me: Of course! Is anyone coming by to fix it?

Señora: 2 kilograms.

Señora: It’s going to rain tomorrow.

Me: Oh really? Where did you hear that?

Señora: Inside.

Me: This food is so good! How did you make it?

Señora: Quickly, very quickly.

Me: Oh, what ingredients?

Señora: It doesn’t have any.

Señora: The bananas are really cheap right now.

Me: Oh awesome, how much are they per kilogram?

Señora: The apples are kind of expensive though.

Me: Oh, how much are the bananas?

Señora: Around 7

And this is the life.  I’m trying to put it into practice but as you saw, things get confusing pretty quickly.  And when I switch back to Spanish (definitely not fluent in that either) I think it just makes the situation trickier.  Wish me luck! 

Lifelike

It's been a while since I've taken pictures. Sometimes I just feel weird and more judged than normal by bringing my iphone around in a third world country.  Sometimes I completely forget, or it's not charged.  But most of the time I just don't even think about it.  Paraguay is my life now.  Things are settling into place and not everything is new and exciting anymore.  Which sounds depressing but really it's quite comforting. You wouldn't take your camera to work, or to cook dinner (unless you are one of those people who post everything you eat on facebook....which by the way is just plain rude when you're friends with peace corps volunteers), or to the supermarket, or to go watch tv with your friends.  You take it to events that are different from your everyday life.  And my days are starting to become less eventful and more normal.  More lifelike.  And I'm really happy about it.  

But I decided to take my camera this morning to an average day in the life.  So here's a few photos for ya!

I eat my weight in clementines every day. Apparently they all fall off in August so I don't have too much time to eat the thousands that are in my yard on the trees. 

Animals in the kitchen.  Very normal.  Lifelike. 

The beautiful garden I made with a Señora.  I made my own too and am waiting for my seeds to grow :-) more on that in another post.  

Banana season is coming up!! All the Señoras love my banana bread!! 

A tatakua. Basically a brick oven used to cook traditional Paraguayan food. 

Another chicken down.  You know the rest.

Some of my kiddos.  They're perfect.

The kitchen.  I'm getting used to gathering wood and chopping it up to light a fire.  And to think I lit my first match a week before Paraguay.  

The making of sopa paraguaya, a traditional food that I really like.  They use leaves for a banana plant as wax paper or Pam.  Resourceful.... Always.

And that's a morning in the life of Arianna.  I think I'm becoming more Paraguayan than I thought.  Although, more to come on my VERY american weekend.  Fourth of July has never been so important or fun :-)

Hope all is well with you guys!! Missing everyone tons!

A Horrible, Terrible, No Good, Very Bad Day

Yesterday was not my favorite day here in Paraguay, I'll tell you that.  It started off fine and normal with drinking coffee at the health post with the nurses so I can show that I'm guapa and get up before 10 am haha.  Then I went to visit the school which I have been doing, as you probably know, for weeks now.  So I went and drank terere with the teachers and director of the school during the kids' recess like I always do and then went and asked the 3rd grade teacher if I could observe her class, like I always do.  5 minutes into the class the director's assistant asks to speak with me.

D.A. : Did you ask permission to be in this class?
Me: Umm, yea I asked the professor.
D.A. : Oh so you did ask the professor.  When did you ask her?
Me: Today, before class.  Did I need to ask her earlier?
D.A. : Yes. Much earlier so the director can plan.  Come with me.

We go into the director's office and I feel like a little kid getting sent to the principal.  So out of the blue because I had been doing this exact same thing for weeks now and nobody had said anything.

D.A. : She asked the professor to join her class but just today.
Director: Arianna, you're being disrespectful and going behind my back and I don't like it.  You need to ask me days in advance so I can tell the professor because I'm your boss and I need to inform them.
Me: Okay. (feeling tears in my eyes because I hate being in trouble I tried to end the conversation quickly)  Can I still sit in on the 3rd grade class today?
Director: Yes.
Me: Thanks.

So sooooooooo random and I just hated it and choked back tears in the 3rd grade class so they probably think I'm a lunatic.  And that was just the beginning.  I then went to my contact's house for lunch and he wasn't there but his parents were, who I normally really like.  But his dad was super drunk and just shouting things like "All Americans are selfish and rich" and just other things that I was not pleased about and very out of character for him.  Then while walking back home I was walking with a 14 year old girl for a little and she was asking me questions about where I was living and what I was doing, etc.  Then she asked how long I am going to be here for.  I said two years and she responded with, "Oh you are finally going to be happy and then you are going to have to leave".  So that obviously got me thinking, am I happy?  What if she's right?

Then the little community store was closed so I couldn't buy my favorite cookies.  And my 4 year old neighbor was completely misbehaving although usually he is quite awesome.  My host sister sent me a text saying "I'm waiting for you to come pick up your stuff".  No greetings, no I miss you's, just get your stuff.  One of my favorite Senoras was repeating over and over something in Guarani and refusing to translate to Spanish for me and I was getting so frustrated and annoyed.  Then the US lost which was just so sad.  I wanted to quit the peace corps and marry Tim Howard.  My internet modem expired and I didn't have time to recharge it and I wanted to be in the states so badly.  But alas I was stuck in Paraguay and it was freezing and my sleeping bag smelled terrible because of the humidity and it just was less than ideal of a day.

In fact it was a horrible, terrible, no good, very bad day.