Love At First Sight

Do I believe in it? I’m going to lean towards no on that one.  Did I experience it with my community? Definitely not.  In the beginning I wanted nothing more than to fall in love with my community at first sight and for them to fall in love with me as well.  I wanted so badly to have smiles and hugs and open welcoming arms and get that feeling you get when you’re driving in your 1994 red sports car blasting your ultimate favorite song with the windows down and not having a care in the world.  I wanted to be in my happy place. 

And as I’m sure you’ve gathered in the beginning my community was not my happy place.  It was a struggle.  The language felt impossible, the people in my community were shy and confused by my presence, I was shy aka completely not feeling like myself and constantly feeling exhausted and unproductive.  My hopes and dreams of jumping right in and being not only accepted but loved by my community were shut down almost instantly.  And I had no idea how to deal with it. 

But little by little, poco a poco, mishi a mishi, I’ve been learning how to deal with it.  How to move towards acceptance and love.  And it’s quite the adventure.  I’m learning how to not get defensive when a first grader tells me I don’t know anything (excuse me, you’re 8 and still in the first grade).  Okay maybe I still haven’t gotten over that.  I’m learning to ignore the 99 times my brother tells me I don’t understand and laughs obnoxiously every time I speak regardless of the language and wait for the time he tells me he’ll miss me and tells his friends when he thinks I can’t hear that I speak well in Guarani.  I’m learning to march right up to people’s house, clap my hands to enter, and have the confidence to build relationships with strangers.  And through doing this day after day I’m finally starting to see a change.

And boy does it feel good.  I now leave my house with confidence and not feeling like I’m just the complete weirdest thing that has ever existed in the world.  Granted I still get the stares, lots of them.  And the shouts of “Americana” because who needs a name when they can go by their nationality 100% of the time.  And the whispers and talking about me amongst each other instead of to my face.  But now I’m also getting the hellos, the goodbyes, the invitations to birthdays and lunches, the smiles, the waves from afar, the shouts of “Arianna” from the munchkins, the “que guapa”s, the compliments on my language, and just a complete acceptance of me and definitely the first signs of love. 

Things are changing for the better.  It wasn’t love at first sight (except for the one group of young men in my community for which it definitely was) but I’m realizing now that it’s better that way.  If it was love at first sight my friendships and relationships in my community would be completely superficially based on the fact that I am American.  And that’s not what I want at all.  I want them to accept me for who I am as a person, for my personality, for my laugh, for my lack of observation skills, for my love for children, for my inability to communicate, for my complete lack of cooking skills, for my inexperience with campo life, for my eagerness to go to the fields and live the farm life, for my crazy animated voice on the phone with my friends in English, for my chuckles that mean I don’t understand, for my open mind and open heart, and for all the love I have to share.  And I want to do the same in return. 

So maybe it wasn’t love at first sight.  Nor second.  Nor third.  But love is coming.  I know it is.  With time.