Oh my goodness.
I don’t even know what just happened. So I’m at my grandma’s house with the family in my pajamas
because I had just showered because it’s freezing cold water and the earlier in
the day the better. There’s a
weird guy there but we don’t interact because nobody introduces people here and
I was really tired and not into the whole integrating thing so I didn’t even
try. Then we decide to go back to
the house and the weird guy follows.
Fine, normal. We’re sitting
down, him, my Mom and I while he acts like a know it all douche. He’s being that weird stuck up person
that tries to be nice and cute.
He’s saying things like he understands English (which here translates to
understanding hello how are you?) and that he wants to cook. That he wants to serve mate (this tea
drink, more on that later), even though he keeps forgetting whose turn it
is. And practicing his English
with me which at this point was just annoying because he knows nothing and says
he does. He tells me I’m doing a
great job cooking while I’m cutting an onion. Interesting perspective. It’s terribly awkward and I’m texting my friends about
it. Then my mom pulls me aside and
tells me that he is only visiting to see me. So it’s a blind date.
But I’m the only one blind.
And I didn’t even know it was a date until now. WTF????
So now it gets worse.
My mom and I laugh every time we exchange glances because we can’t help
it. He keeps patting my back and
asking me questions about Paraguay.
My brother I kid you not is taking photos on his phone and texting me
things like “Arianna x Gustavo, tell him to come over here” and raising his
eyebrows and looking at him every time I look at my brother. My sister keeps prying information out
of him (like any good sister would) and although a million times he said how
old he was was “top secret” he finally admitted to 35 years old. She also found out he doesn’t have kids
and basically took over the information gathering, not that I wanted to
know. Meanwhile my brother and
sister are making hearts with their hands and just being ridiculously
embarrassing. At this point I am
ravenous and exhausted but when I say I’m tired my brother told me to rest my
head on the guy’s stomach…awkward.
Then when I said I was hungry and that I wanted to eat (one of my few go
to phrases in guarani) they laughed hysterically and clearly thought about that
in a dirty context. Awkward
again. Finally after this dude
goes all organic chef on us and shows off his cooking skills we eat….
I kid you not, my mom brings out the fancy plates and
silverware from the other room.
What? And all of a sudden,
all of the chairs in the entire house are gone except the two at the table. Where the **** did all the chairs
go? I’m panicking, obviously and
fine we sit next to each other.
There is romantic Spanish music playing on a radio from the 70s with its
antenna taped to the wall like any reliable antenna is. I’m in my pajamas, perfect. My sister and brother are whispering in
the other room, my mom giggling and me?
Stuck. He served me seconds
while commenting on how heavy the food is. Oops. And so it
went.
And while I made a break for my room because I was just oh
so tired he promised he would return.
Help.
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