Nobody wants to feel embarrassed, me included. But Peace Corps kind of makes you immune to embarrassment I think. I have done my fair share of embarrassing things down here. I've been caught running down my street in a thunder storm, seen walking in the community with both of my feet covered in cow dung, gotten out of the shower in my towel only to have my 12 year old boy student be sitting on my porch, locked myself out of my house so that three men had to break down my door in the middle of the night, told a group of moms that i wanted to light their kids on fire so that they would read instead of inspire them to read, showed up to the wrong birthday party, and when señoras said we should pray because of the bad weather i asked them why?
But wait, theres more. I once took mimosa into the city to get her shots and when i stepped off the bus my flipflop broke so i walked all throughout town barefoot with a crying cat in my arms. I once did a zumba routine by myself to single ladies only to find out that a group of teenage boys had watched the whole thing. I once texted the principal of the school "are you still feeling ugly today" instead of are you still sick? I get asked about my weight, menstrual cycle, boyfriends and more in front of large mixed gender groups and I answer. I went to the school with my shirt on inside out. And just yesterday i got caught talking to mimosa in my house alone.
The list goes on. So needless to say it takes a lot to embarrass me these days and so Im not embarrassed to say that the reason i havent written in forever is because i have been going through a rough patch. I felt very disconnected from life back home. I wasnt talking with people as much and I felt like I was constantly missing big life events. Engagements, graduations, weddings, babies, starting grad school, it seemed like everyone i knew was doing something new.
But what really bothered me was how disconnected I felt here in Paraguay. I questioned all of my relationships, I struggled getting projects off the ground, people were gossiping about me, my landlord threatened to kick me out for more money, my boss wanted to change my community, nobody was motivated to work with me, I questioned myself, my value to this community, my work, my beliefs, my ability to persevere and whether here in Paraguay was where I should be right now.
I felt lonely and I spent day after day alone (thank goodness for mimosa) with no motivation to do anything. I felt unappreciated and unwanted and did more self reflection than I ever thought possible. And the rainy season didnt help with all the cold days indoors and the mold taking over everything.
And i kept thinking about how resilient and happy i usually am and how good i am about not letting things bother me. And I didnt understand why this time was different.
Its hard trying so hard to stay connected to the states life and yet being fully immersed in a culture so different at the same time. The pressures of the "save the world" expectations really get to you when you realize your biggest weekly success is getting 4 kids to come to reading club.
And it took days upon weeks upon months but I'm slowly but surely getting out of my funk. A lot of building myself up time and time again. I found a school that does wanna work with me so every wednesday and friday I make the 90 minute walk each way on a muddy road to teach computers and health. I was finally insistent enough that the repairman from the government came to look at the dentist chair in our health post (and it is in better shape than we thought) and the president of the commission is motivated to work again. One of my english kids cried to me about his struggles at home with his alcoholic father which made my whole 9 months of english teaching worth it. Three girls come to my healthy cooking class which probably seems like nothing to you but i can reassure you that is a huge success.
And so things are on the upswing. The Peace Corps slogan is "the hardest job you'll ever love" and I've never thought that more true than now.
I love Paraguay. It has taught me so much, given me so much strength and resilience, and is my home. That being said, I couldnt be more excited about my trip to the states in 10 days!!!! Cant wait to see you all! Miss you more than you know. Lots of love!
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